COMMUNICATION FOR COUPLES
I have been working with couples on communicating with each other for about 30 years now. I have also taught communication skills at various venues from Torrance Adult School to Antioch University. Communication was also a frequent topic for my weekly column in the Daily Breeze.
Following are some simple, but by no means easy ideas to empower each of you to enrich your relationship:
THE DON’TS
FIRST: Please lose the words never, always and why from your vocabulary when you are endeavoring to talk to your partner / beloved.
Each of these words, when attached to the pronoun “you”—surrogate for your p / b—becomes accusatory and attacking, as in “You never…”, “You always…”, “Why did you—Why don’t you?”
And as soon as your p / b feels threatened, he / she becomes immediately defensive and ready to go on the offensive and escalation becomes the order of the day. Communication dissolves.
SECOND: Forgive me for using the word never in a completely different context, ie counselor to client. Please, NEVER threaten divorce, or that you are leaving permanently, or that you are “kicking the other person out.”
Every human being has abandonment issues. When you threaten your p / b with such a final ending as divorce, or demanding he or she leave, you guarantee that your p / b’s loss / abandonment issues will kick in and escalation becomes paramount. What sadly, yet most frequently, happens, is one of you endeavoring to leave, and your best other is standing in the doorway blocking all egress. Super escalation!
THIRD: Forgive me for saying always, yet please, the instant YOU realize you and your p / b are escalating, ALWAYS cease and desist, pull back, and say something like, “I love you, but we are escalating / we are not accomplishing / we are just hurting…and cetera—and I am ‘going in the other room’, or ‘outside and around the block’ or ‘out to a film’, and I will be back in ‘5 minutes’, ‘2hours’”—and / or whatever is appropriate to a SEPARATING AND COOLING OFF time.
I know, telling your p / b you love him / her during your escalating wounding of each other might seem a Herculean task. So please express the most positive and respectful words you can, so you both know you are separating only temporarily, and only in order to avoid inflicting further pain on each other.
COUNSELOR COMMENT ON SECOND AND THIRD DON’TS: Please note well the profound difference between a respectful and caring leavetaking and a threatening leavetaking.
FOURTH: When the two of you reunite—whether after 5 minutes or 24 hours—your emotional wounds are still raw and your brain chemistry is still likely awry. Please do not even think of taking up where you left off in order to resolve your concerns. It won’t happen. And after yet another round of hurtful escalation, you end with more unresolved issues.
Instead, please read on.
THE DO’S
FIRST: Please agree with each other to “take a meeting” the day after your conflict, in order that your brain chemistries and rawest heart wounds have had an opportunity to settle down. Otherwise, endeavoring to resolve conflicts are more likely to re-open hurts and misunderstandings and once again, escalation. It is fine to set up the meeting when you are still hurting.
SECOND: Initially, setting a 5-minute time limit to your first meeting is essential. If communications go awry, you have a gracious means to ending same and re-scheduling. When your endeavors succeed, you can agree to continue as long as you are meeting each other’s needs.
THIRD: Please set aside a “sacred” time and space for your meeting. This sets a tone or mood of respect for yourselves and what you hope your meeting will accomplish. Establish eye contact, and I suggest you hold hands.
FOURTH: The person calling the meeting begins by asking your p / b if he / she is ready for you to share. This is again, setting an ambience of caring and respect. State your concern by sharing your genuine feelings with your partner about a recent and specific event, which obviates “dredging up old stuff from the past”, which sabotages your meeting and leaves more hurt feelings unresolved.
Share your genuine feelings of hurt or fear or whatever, about what you experienced from your b / p’s words or actions. Please do not slide in to any blaming. Then ask your partner to repeat back the jist of your statement. This is important because it focuses you both on listening skills, which are at least 50% of communicating.
FIFTH: When your partner has repeated back what you shared, please ask him / her if he / she wishes to respond. This response also needs to be the stuff of genuine feelings, with no excuses and no blame. Frequently, it comprises an apology.
SIXTH: If you feel your meeting has been successful, you may want to repeat the process, with either partner beginning. Or, you may wish to celebrate your success and schedule another meeting soon!
COMMUNICATION FOR COUPLES
I have been working with couples on communicating with each other for about 30 years now. I have also taught communication skills at various venues from Torrance Adult School to Antioch University. Communication was also a frequent topic for my weekly column in the Daily Breeze.
Following are some simple, but by no means easy ideas to empower each of you to enrich your relationship:
THE DON’TS
FIRST: Please lose the words never, always and why from your vocabulary when you are endeavoring to talk to your partner / beloved.
Each of these words, when attached to the pronoun “you”—surrogate for your p / b—becomes accusatory and attacking, as in “You never…”, “You always…”, “Why did you—Why don’t you?”
And as soon as your p / b feels threatened, he / she becomes immediately defensive and ready to go on the offensive and escalation becomes the order of the day. Communication dissolves.
SECOND: Forgive me for using the word never in a completely different context, ie counselor to client. Please, NEVER threaten divorce, or that you are leaving permanently, or that you are “kicking the other person out.”
Every human being has abandonment issues. When you threaten your p / b with such a final ending as divorce, or demanding he or she leave, you guarantee that your p / b’s loss / abandonment issues will kick in and escalation becomes paramount. What sadly, yet most frequently, happens, is one of you endeavoring to leave, and your best other is standing in the doorway blocking all egress. Super escalation!
THIRD: Forgive me for saying always, yet please, the instant YOU realize you and your p / b are escalating, ALWAYS cease and desist, pull back, and say something like, “I love you, but we are escalating / we are not accomplishing / we are just hurting…and cetera—and I am ‘going in the other room’, or ‘outside and around the block’ or ‘out to a film’, and I will be back in ‘5 minutes’, ‘2hours’”—and / or whatever is appropriate to a SEPARATING AND COOLING OFF time.
I know, telling your p / b you love him / her during your escalating wounding of each other might seem a Herculean task. So please express the most positive and respectful words you can, so you both know you are separating only temporarily, and only in order to avoid inflicting further pain on each other.
COUNSELOR COMMENT ON SECOND AND THIRD DON’TS: Please note well the profound difference between a respectful and caring leavetaking and a threatening leavetaking.
FOURTH: When the two of you reunite—whether after 5 minutes or 24 hours—your emotional wounds are still raw and your brain chemistry is still likely awry. Please do not even think of taking up where you left off in order to resolve your concerns. It won’t happen. And after yet another round of hurtful escalation, you end with more unresolved issues.
Instead, please read on.
THE DO’S
FIRST: Please agree with each other to “take a meeting” the day after your conflict, in order that your brain chemistries and rawest heart wounds have had an opportunity to settle down. Otherwise, endeavoring to resolve conflicts are more likely to re-open hurts and misunderstandings and once again, escalation. It is fine to set up the meeting when you are still hurting.
SECOND: Initially, setting a 5-minute time limit to your first meeting is essential. If communications go awry, you have a gracious means to ending same and re-scheduling. When your endeavors succeed, you can agree to continue as long as you are meeting each other’s needs.
THIRD: Please set aside a “sacred” time and space for your meeting. This sets a tone or mood of respect for yourselves and what you hope your meeting will accomplish. Establish eye contact, and I suggest you hold hands.
FOURTH: The person calling the meeting begins by asking your p / b if he / she is ready for you to share. This is again, setting an ambience of caring and respect. State your concern by sharing your genuine feelings with your partner about a recent and specific event, which obviates “dredging up old stuff from the past”, which sabotages your meeting and leaves more hurt feelings unresolved.
Share your genuine feelings of hurt or fear or whatever, about what you experienced from your b / p’s words or actions. Please do not slide in to any blaming. Then ask your partner to repeat back the jist of your statement. This is important because it focuses you both on listening skills, which are at least 50% of communicating.
FIFTH: When your partner has repeated back what you shared, please ask him / her if he / she wishes to respond. This response also needs to be the stuff of genuine feelings, with no excuses and no blame. Frequently, it comprises an apology.
SIXTH: If you feel your meeting has been successful, you may want to repeat the process, with either partner beginning. Or, you may wish to celebrate your success and schedule another meeting soon!
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Monday, December 7, 2009
THE SUCCESS OF FAILURE
THE SUCCESS OF FAILURE
The cliché about learning from all experience, including failure, is a cliché only because it is so true.
In order to learn from failure, I believe we need first to decide whether or not what we might be experiencing as failure is perceived as failure by anyone else / the rest of the world. Or is our experience of failure completely subjective?
In other words, how ultimately responsible have we been for what we choose to view as our failute?
Is it not possible that what has occurred around our perceived or even genuine failure is nothing more than what could and / or would have happened, considering all surrounding circumstances? With or without our input?
Those of us whose major defense is control—much the same as those of us whos major defense is anger or depression / anxiey, or victimness / doormatness—likely experience many occurrences or events in our lives as failures.
I think this is because we do not, in our own selves, allow any slack for lack of perfection—we are “hard on ourselves”!
I also am sure, that self-absorbed as we might be in our own sense of personal imperfection, we do not realistically see that whatever situation / person(s) we experience ourselves embroiled in and failing at, is simply not working! And not likely to work, no matter how long we remain embroiled.
Ergo, our only failure is in not recognizing that the situation / person(s) is not only beyond our control but that we likely need to remove ourselves from it.
How terrifying and how painful to let go of our need to control—or be angry at or depressed / anxious about. And how liberating.
And, our subjectively experienced failure is the quintessential opportunity to “go inside and look around” at our deeper and more inner selves and ask some cogent questions:
1) Can I accept my own personal limitations?
2) Can I accept situational limitations?
3) Can I accept defeat graciously?
4) What does losing / defeat really mean to me?
5) Am I able to relinquish responsibility in happenstances that are not, actually, my responsibility at all?
6) Am I able to disengage my self from my attitudes and values about success and failure?
7) How can I learn to detach and disengage from making everything all about me?
I encourage each of us to ponder and address these questions as they apply to our lives.
And then, what about the times we genuinely do muck up and muck up royally?
We “simply” own our responsibility. We man up and own it.
The cliché about learning from all experience, including failure, is a cliché only because it is so true.
In order to learn from failure, I believe we need first to decide whether or not what we might be experiencing as failure is perceived as failure by anyone else / the rest of the world. Or is our experience of failure completely subjective?
In other words, how ultimately responsible have we been for what we choose to view as our failute?
Is it not possible that what has occurred around our perceived or even genuine failure is nothing more than what could and / or would have happened, considering all surrounding circumstances? With or without our input?
Those of us whose major defense is control—much the same as those of us whos major defense is anger or depression / anxiey, or victimness / doormatness—likely experience many occurrences or events in our lives as failures.
I think this is because we do not, in our own selves, allow any slack for lack of perfection—we are “hard on ourselves”!
I also am sure, that self-absorbed as we might be in our own sense of personal imperfection, we do not realistically see that whatever situation / person(s) we experience ourselves embroiled in and failing at, is simply not working! And not likely to work, no matter how long we remain embroiled.
Ergo, our only failure is in not recognizing that the situation / person(s) is not only beyond our control but that we likely need to remove ourselves from it.
How terrifying and how painful to let go of our need to control—or be angry at or depressed / anxious about. And how liberating.
And, our subjectively experienced failure is the quintessential opportunity to “go inside and look around” at our deeper and more inner selves and ask some cogent questions:
1) Can I accept my own personal limitations?
2) Can I accept situational limitations?
3) Can I accept defeat graciously?
4) What does losing / defeat really mean to me?
5) Am I able to relinquish responsibility in happenstances that are not, actually, my responsibility at all?
6) Am I able to disengage my self from my attitudes and values about success and failure?
7) How can I learn to detach and disengage from making everything all about me?
I encourage each of us to ponder and address these questions as they apply to our lives.
And then, what about the times we genuinely do muck up and muck up royally?
We “simply” own our responsibility. We man up and own it.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIOS KILL
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS KILL
We expect, when we wake up in the morning, that the floor will be awaiting our feet, that the shower will be where we always shower, that the aroma of coffee—if we are blessed with a programmable pot we know how to program, or a partner up and about before we are--will invite us to breakfast.
We expect the buildings we work or run errands at to continue to be there, we expect the weather to fluctuate--not necessarily according to meteorological predictions--the news to bring a typical blend of horror and lightheartedness, and the trees and grass and houses we pass in our comings and goings to remain basically as we expect them to be.
So far, so good. The above and thousands of other examples manifest healthy and realistic expectations that enable our lives to function without major drama.
So how do expectations kill?
By being un-realistic and un-healthy!
Unrealistic and unhealthy expectations can make navigating our lives vulnerable to lotsa’ major drama.
For example, expecting your basically sloppy adolescent to understand that a cleaner, neater room might improve his / her grades and please you in the process.
For example, expecting the partner you’ve known for some time as a basic homebody, to want to go out to shop, picnic, attend a film or social occasion willingly.
For example, expecting your procrastinating partner or child to leap up and immediately comply to your request to take out the garbage, feed the dog or empty the dishwasher.
For example, expecting your cranky and emotionally withdrawn supervisor to say, “You did an excellent job on that project yesterday!”
For example, expecting the twenty pounds you gained over the past three years to disappear and stay disappeared in three days of crash-dieting misery. Or that you, an inveterate nightowl will wake up singing like a lark, or add four inches to your five foot two inch height.
Think about it. Having the above and similar unrealistic expectations and fretting when they are unmet is about as realistic as fretting whether or not the floor will be under your feet when you get out of bed.
Unrealistic expectations of family, friends, work colleagues and one’s own self can create major unhappiness in our lives, including strife in relationships—which can be “killed”, and a high enough self-administered load of stress to actually lower our own immune system.
Our UR’s, by enabling us to indulge in chronic disappointment in those around us, allow us to feel superior and pick any number of fights—disagreements—which chronically tear at the warp and woof of a healthy relationship.
Conversely, our UR’s directed against ourselves—sometimes known as perfectionism and “being hard on ourselves”-- enable us to feel not quite up to the mark, and therefore, no matter how much we achieve, succeed and excel, we are sure we have not measured up.
UR’s can also give us ready excuses for our not quite ever getting around to endeavoring new experiences and / or completing countless projects.
Either way, we lay the foundation for feeling bad about ourselves, because on some level—perhaps in our deep unconscious--we know that our feelings of superiority over anyone else are pretty fragile.
Then why would we continue to maintain unrealistic expectations and their chronic disappointments?
How can such self-defeating behavior possibly serve us?
UR’s do not serve our mature, adult, rational selves. But please imagine an immature, childish, irrational self still “residing” in your unconscious who remembers every hurt and emotional wound throughout your entire life, and sometimes needs to protect him / herself and you from a potential hurt or threat.
Unrealistic expectations, like denial, control, depression*, anxiety* and anger are defenses against our deeper and more genuine feelings.
Indeed, unrealistic expectations are defense mechanisms that must have worked once to protect us from feelings we were unable to tolerate. Now that we have matured enough to bear the unbearable, those defenses that served us well in infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, adolescence and young adulthood have become perverted to work against us.
I believe that each and every one of us, in our earliest and later years, experiences hurt and disappointment and abandonment and rejection and shame and humiliation and fear and a slough of other negative or yucky feelings. Early on, we are actually unable to tolerate the intolerable or bear the unbearable, or simply experience many many hurtful negatives in our lives. So thank goodness, our defenses come forth.
Yet in adulthood, we often do have the resources to tolerate the intolerable and bear the unbearable, and that is the time to let go of our UR’s.
We expect, when we wake up in the morning, that the floor will be awaiting our feet, that the shower will be where we always shower, that the aroma of coffee—if we are blessed with a programmable pot we know how to program, or a partner up and about before we are--will invite us to breakfast.
We expect the buildings we work or run errands at to continue to be there, we expect the weather to fluctuate--not necessarily according to meteorological predictions--the news to bring a typical blend of horror and lightheartedness, and the trees and grass and houses we pass in our comings and goings to remain basically as we expect them to be.
So far, so good. The above and thousands of other examples manifest healthy and realistic expectations that enable our lives to function without major drama.
So how do expectations kill?
By being un-realistic and un-healthy!
Unrealistic and unhealthy expectations can make navigating our lives vulnerable to lotsa’ major drama.
For example, expecting your basically sloppy adolescent to understand that a cleaner, neater room might improve his / her grades and please you in the process.
For example, expecting the partner you’ve known for some time as a basic homebody, to want to go out to shop, picnic, attend a film or social occasion willingly.
For example, expecting your procrastinating partner or child to leap up and immediately comply to your request to take out the garbage, feed the dog or empty the dishwasher.
For example, expecting your cranky and emotionally withdrawn supervisor to say, “You did an excellent job on that project yesterday!”
For example, expecting the twenty pounds you gained over the past three years to disappear and stay disappeared in three days of crash-dieting misery. Or that you, an inveterate nightowl will wake up singing like a lark, or add four inches to your five foot two inch height.
Think about it. Having the above and similar unrealistic expectations and fretting when they are unmet is about as realistic as fretting whether or not the floor will be under your feet when you get out of bed.
Unrealistic expectations of family, friends, work colleagues and one’s own self can create major unhappiness in our lives, including strife in relationships—which can be “killed”, and a high enough self-administered load of stress to actually lower our own immune system.
Our UR’s, by enabling us to indulge in chronic disappointment in those around us, allow us to feel superior and pick any number of fights—disagreements—which chronically tear at the warp and woof of a healthy relationship.
Conversely, our UR’s directed against ourselves—sometimes known as perfectionism and “being hard on ourselves”-- enable us to feel not quite up to the mark, and therefore, no matter how much we achieve, succeed and excel, we are sure we have not measured up.
UR’s can also give us ready excuses for our not quite ever getting around to endeavoring new experiences and / or completing countless projects.
Either way, we lay the foundation for feeling bad about ourselves, because on some level—perhaps in our deep unconscious--we know that our feelings of superiority over anyone else are pretty fragile.
Then why would we continue to maintain unrealistic expectations and their chronic disappointments?
How can such self-defeating behavior possibly serve us?
UR’s do not serve our mature, adult, rational selves. But please imagine an immature, childish, irrational self still “residing” in your unconscious who remembers every hurt and emotional wound throughout your entire life, and sometimes needs to protect him / herself and you from a potential hurt or threat.
Unrealistic expectations, like denial, control, depression*, anxiety* and anger are defenses against our deeper and more genuine feelings.
Indeed, unrealistic expectations are defense mechanisms that must have worked once to protect us from feelings we were unable to tolerate. Now that we have matured enough to bear the unbearable, those defenses that served us well in infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, adolescence and young adulthood have become perverted to work against us.
I believe that each and every one of us, in our earliest and later years, experiences hurt and disappointment and abandonment and rejection and shame and humiliation and fear and a slough of other negative or yucky feelings. Early on, we are actually unable to tolerate the intolerable or bear the unbearable, or simply experience many many hurtful negatives in our lives. So thank goodness, our defenses come forth.
Yet in adulthood, we often do have the resources to tolerate the intolerable and bear the unbearable, and that is the time to let go of our UR’s.
JUST A FEW THINGS ANGER COVERS UP
JUST A FEW THINGS ANGER COVERS UP
ANGER IS A SECONDARY EMOTION
ANGER IS A COVER-UP EMOTION
ANGER IS NOT AN EMOTION AT ALL
ANGER IS A DEFENSE MECHANISM
ANGER PROTECTED US FROM PAINFUL EMOTIONS WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER
ANGER ALLOWED SOME OF US TO BEAR THE UNBEARABLE AND SURVIVE
ANGER ALLOWED THE REST OF US TO COPE WITH GENUINELY PAINFUL FEELINGS
ANGER STILL PROTECTS US FROM PAINFUL FEELINGS
ANGER PROTECTS US FROM:
GRIEF
LOSS
SADNESS
HUMILIATION
SHAME
EMBARRASSMENT
HURT
PAIN
FEAR
ABANDONMENT
REJECTION
HELPLESSNESS
HOPELESSNESS
OVERWHELMEDNESS
LACK OF CONFIDENCE
FEELINGS OF INCOMPETENCE
FEELINGS OF LOW SELF-WORTH
ENVY
JEALOUSY
ANGER IS A SECONDARY EMOTION
ANGER IS A COVER-UP EMOTION
ANGER IS NOT AN EMOTION AT ALL
ANGER IS A DEFENSE MECHANISM
ANGER PROTECTED US FROM PAINFUL EMOTIONS WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER
ANGER ALLOWED SOME OF US TO BEAR THE UNBEARABLE AND SURVIVE
ANGER ALLOWED THE REST OF US TO COPE WITH GENUINELY PAINFUL FEELINGS
ANGER STILL PROTECTS US FROM PAINFUL FEELINGS
ANGER PROTECTS US FROM:
GRIEF
LOSS
SADNESS
HUMILIATION
SHAME
EMBARRASSMENT
HURT
PAIN
FEAR
ABANDONMENT
REJECTION
HELPLESSNESS
HOPELESSNESS
OVERWHELMEDNESS
LACK OF CONFIDENCE
FEELINGS OF INCOMPETENCE
FEELINGS OF LOW SELF-WORTH
ENVY
JEALOUSY
Friday, June 20, 2008
THE MATCH AND THE CONFLAGRATION / OR HOW TO DISCERN A TRIGGER FROM A DISASTER
“You only hurt the one you love…”
Makes no sense, and yet a genuine phenomenon it is in our lives. The words flown out of our mouths we would give anything not to have uttered, the disconnect of the phone when the other is speaking, the storming out and slamming the door in the other’s face, and—yes, it happens—the push, the shove, the slap we horrify ourselves with. How could we have let things go that far, how could we have done / said anything so terrible?
Let us step back for a moment to our feelings just before we spoke and / or acted. Likely, we were experiencing out-of-control feelings of rage, which were in reality covering up feelings of grief, fear, shame, humiliation, sorrow, loss, fear of loss, threat, rejection, abandonment, and so much more pain. Pain we have known before in our lives, unless we have been living under a rock.
Pain that happened to us long, long ago, before we were able to deal with it, defend ourselves, know that it was not about us at all, but about someone who was wounding us grievously. And perhaps more recent pain, because those of us who were wounded early on, tend to attract ourselves to people who will wound us again—yet that is the topic of another “musing”.
Time after event after occurrence after drama, again and again, we mistake the trigger, which might be symbolized as a “newly struck match”, with its small, sweet flame, for a conflagration. And rather than respond with a breath drawn in and quickly expelled to extinguish the match’s flame, we react, seeing not a tiny match flame, but rather envisioning an inferno descending upon us, and usually, we react badly, saying and doing the hurtful things we regret.
If only we could learn to discern the tiny flame for what it is, and realize that the conflagration is actually from so many painful experiences from our past.
When a trigger is pulled at work, or in traffic, or by a neighbor or casual acquaintance, we are so much more likely to experience that appropriate match flame, rather than a fireball headed our way, and “deal with” whatever actual hurt, fear or anxiety the trigger effected / produced. No, not always, otherwise desk rage and road rage would never have entered our vernacular. Usually, however, because we do not hold the same stakes with those more distant folk and experiences, our reality check resources are more firmly in place.
Yet when a loved one pulls a trigger, we frequently do not even see, feel or experience the tame match flame. Because we have great stakes in giving ourselves over to love—of spouse, lover, partner, child, friend—we are vulnerable, and everything we see, feel and experience is magnified. Ignited into threatening flames.
Because we invest such magnitude of resources upon those we love, we make ourselves vulnerable to them because we fear losing them.
All that fear, loss, abandonment, fear of rejection, shame and so on appear as a bonfire to us, and we are incited to stamp that fire out with an arsenal of hurtful words and actions.
Again and again.
Resistance to going back in time and blaming families of origin and others who wounded us early on abounds, but I am not talking about any moral or ethical or even theological motivational issues here. All parents do the best they possibly can with us and for us, given who they are and what resources they have and what experiences they are going through themselves. Ditto all the other hurtful folk in our younger years. Simply recognizing and acknowledging the results of our early experiences within our families, neighborhoods and schools liberates us to experience all those old pains as the bonfire, and see clearly the tiny match flames in our present.
Makes no sense, and yet a genuine phenomenon it is in our lives. The words flown out of our mouths we would give anything not to have uttered, the disconnect of the phone when the other is speaking, the storming out and slamming the door in the other’s face, and—yes, it happens—the push, the shove, the slap we horrify ourselves with. How could we have let things go that far, how could we have done / said anything so terrible?
Let us step back for a moment to our feelings just before we spoke and / or acted. Likely, we were experiencing out-of-control feelings of rage, which were in reality covering up feelings of grief, fear, shame, humiliation, sorrow, loss, fear of loss, threat, rejection, abandonment, and so much more pain. Pain we have known before in our lives, unless we have been living under a rock.
Pain that happened to us long, long ago, before we were able to deal with it, defend ourselves, know that it was not about us at all, but about someone who was wounding us grievously. And perhaps more recent pain, because those of us who were wounded early on, tend to attract ourselves to people who will wound us again—yet that is the topic of another “musing”.
Time after event after occurrence after drama, again and again, we mistake the trigger, which might be symbolized as a “newly struck match”, with its small, sweet flame, for a conflagration. And rather than respond with a breath drawn in and quickly expelled to extinguish the match’s flame, we react, seeing not a tiny match flame, but rather envisioning an inferno descending upon us, and usually, we react badly, saying and doing the hurtful things we regret.
If only we could learn to discern the tiny flame for what it is, and realize that the conflagration is actually from so many painful experiences from our past.
When a trigger is pulled at work, or in traffic, or by a neighbor or casual acquaintance, we are so much more likely to experience that appropriate match flame, rather than a fireball headed our way, and “deal with” whatever actual hurt, fear or anxiety the trigger effected / produced. No, not always, otherwise desk rage and road rage would never have entered our vernacular. Usually, however, because we do not hold the same stakes with those more distant folk and experiences, our reality check resources are more firmly in place.
Yet when a loved one pulls a trigger, we frequently do not even see, feel or experience the tame match flame. Because we have great stakes in giving ourselves over to love—of spouse, lover, partner, child, friend—we are vulnerable, and everything we see, feel and experience is magnified. Ignited into threatening flames.
Because we invest such magnitude of resources upon those we love, we make ourselves vulnerable to them because we fear losing them.
All that fear, loss, abandonment, fear of rejection, shame and so on appear as a bonfire to us, and we are incited to stamp that fire out with an arsenal of hurtful words and actions.
Again and again.
Resistance to going back in time and blaming families of origin and others who wounded us early on abounds, but I am not talking about any moral or ethical or even theological motivational issues here. All parents do the best they possibly can with us and for us, given who they are and what resources they have and what experiences they are going through themselves. Ditto all the other hurtful folk in our younger years. Simply recognizing and acknowledging the results of our early experiences within our families, neighborhoods and schools liberates us to experience all those old pains as the bonfire, and see clearly the tiny match flames in our present.
Monday, May 19, 2008
THE ROLES WE LIVE
“Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. And some have greatness thrust upon them.”
The above quote about greatness applies equally well to those roles which are “thrust upon” us during childhood—toddlerhood—infancy—and even as early as the womb.
Yeah, families do that—thrust roles upon family members! Nothing personal. And it is likely that nothing is done on purpose. Yet family dynamics—that interchange of energies and personalities and feelings and values and beliefs, both conscious and especially unconscious—create and establish roles for each of us that we adhere to not only during our sojourn within our families of origin, we carry them in to our adult lives.
Perhaps you will recognize some of the following roles from your own family of origin; perhaps one or more might even have been thrust upon you:
1) The Star
Also known as the cheerleader, athletic hero, excellent student, popularity plus, volunteer extraordinaire—
2) The Mini-Parent
Mediates disagreements amongst all family members, makes sure schedules, obligations, appointments and daily living requirements are met--
3) The Bad Boy / Bad Girl
Just cannot get it together, seems to fail at everything and act out in anger
4) The Child Who Is Easily Ignored
Possibly this child hides out on purpose in order to avoid family dynamics, or, sadly, because of low self-worth, actually loses him / herself in profound isolation
Some roles become ours through sobriquets which family members insist are “terms of endearment”, such as, clumsy, princess, dumbo—referring to either or both ears or intellect—pipsqueak / runt / geek / loser / shorty / fats / handsome / gorgeous and so on. Such nicknames and their accompanying roles can be positive, as well as negative, and such positive labels sometimes lead to an inflated sense of ego and self-importance.
The point is, all “endearing terms” impact one’s self- belief, self-worth, and the attitudes and behaviors which follow. In other words, they impact how individuals see themselves as successes, failures, or mediocrities.
Please note well, that these roles that we have carried with us from our childhoods, lack reality. We have internalized them, but we have not owned them. Children internalize. Adults own.
Roles are thrust upon us, in other ways, as well, by circumstances in families.
Some examples follow:
Families in which one or more—I am referring to step-parents as well as biological parents—parent is alcoholic or addicted to party drugs or prescriptive medications
Families in which a parent—especially a mother—is depressed
Families in which a sibling has died or is chronically ill—either physically or mentally—or chronically acts out or is a prodigy
Families in which a parent dies
Families in which a divorce happens
Families in which hardship—economic, environmental, numerous internal losses is chronic
Every family bestows roles upon its members. The process does not follow a game plan of each and every parent giving a particular role to each child. Siblings thrust roles upon one another, and children create roles for their parents on a continuum from demon to saint! When extended family members are closely involved, and the family, as is most common these days, is a blended family, the complexities of roles within family life can resemble a—well, a—drama.
As successful as we are in our careers, as parents, as spouses and partners, even on the golf course or at the gym, we may still hear an inner voice calling us clumsy or dumb.
Fortunately, we create new “families” throughout our lives—friends, work colleagues, neighbors and the families of our spouses and partners to interact with. And from them, we can learn new, healthier, and more realistic ways in which to experience ourselves. We can shed the old roles and evolve into new ones.
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